i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
