Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
