I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i wish my penis had a tongue
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship