You smell like stripper and shame
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK