K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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