working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.