when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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