so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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