i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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