I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
