He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
