literally had 100 drinks last night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
