i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
