I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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