Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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