I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm always down for nudity.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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