I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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