There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
