I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
