K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
