i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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