shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
