remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
