you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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