I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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