dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
