I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
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So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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