I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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