He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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