I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
