you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
