You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize