im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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