Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
