Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
