I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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