I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
