friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
