how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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