I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
