I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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