so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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