I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
