haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
