I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
