Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
