Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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