Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
