enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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