While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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