Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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