I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
