Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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