Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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