Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
