Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
