So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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