cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is Oprah even human
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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