i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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