My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
