I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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