I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
