i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
