I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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